I've been purposely not-prioritizing showing up here because I feel like my last post needed a proper follow-up. When you put your hopes out there on the internet and things go so terribly different, as I see it you have three options:
1) Shut it down and pretend it never happened.
2) Keep up a facade that your character consists only of sugar and spice and everything nice
3) You can tell the ugly truth and move on.
To complicate blogging motivation, I also have this irrational fear that if I put anything sweet and lovely out into the interwebs, that someone will perceive me as ...well, sweet and lovely, perpetuating the "perfect mom" myth. Gross. I want no part in such fallacy. Plus, I am no good at hiding my faults. If I put on make-up, I will have a booger on my face. If I put on a white shirt, I will immediately spill coffee on it. I'm much safer being proudly broken, bathing in grace!
So all I remember about that day-- the one where I was so pumped up to speak words that heal to my children, the one where I even prayed for God to set a guard over my mouth-- was that a couple of hours into it, something gurgled up inside of me, zero-to-sixty from nowhere at all, and flew out of my mouth so fast that I didn't even know it was happening. Are you ready for this? I screamed F----YOU! at my daughter. [Gasp! Shock! Horror!]
That doesn't mean I shouldn't have written that post. It encouraged at least one person, and it's a reminder to me as well. I am better for having written that down, making it more a part of me. But just in case you have ever let swords and daggers and dragon breath fly out of your mouth instead of rainbows, hearts and unicorn farts (that one was for the 10-year old) I want to be the one to tell you that you're not alone...and, it SUCKS! It sucks that I did that, that I get so uptight and furious and stressed out and let #$%^@* fly out of my mouth!
So what are we to do? It's discouraging.
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?" --ro. 7.21-24 the message
But wait; I remember one more thing about that day. An apology. A humiliating admittance of defeat on a day that started off with such good intentions. The healing of relationship between mother and daughter. In the end, the answer to the question is that it is me who has to accept the hand of Jesus, me who has to let grace lift me off the ground, then dust myself off and trudge onward, red-cheeked and humbled.
Even when I don't know where I'm going next...
Readers: Have you experienced grace in Parenting? Care to share in the comments?