That's It, I Give Up. (Okay, maybe not...)

Um... hey. How's it goin'?

I've been purposely not-prioritizing showing up here because I feel like my last post needed a proper follow-up. When you put your hopes out there on the internet and things go so terribly different, as I see it you have three options:
1) Shut it down and pretend it never happened.
2) Keep up a facade that your character consists only of sugar and spice and everything nice
3) You can tell the ugly truth and move on.

To complicate blogging motivation, I also have this irrational fear that if I put anything sweet and lovely out into the interwebs, that someone will perceive me as ...well, sweet and lovely, perpetuating the "perfect mom" myth. Gross. I want no part in such fallacy. Plus, I am no good at hiding my faults. If I put on make-up, I will have a booger on my face. If I put on a white shirt, I will immediately spill coffee on it. I'm much safer being proudly broken, bathing in grace!

So all I remember about that day-- the one where I was so pumped up to speak words that heal to my children, the one where I even prayed for God to set a guard over my mouth-- was that a couple of hours into it, something gurgled up inside of me, zero-to-sixty from nowhere at all, and flew out of my mouth so fast that I didn't even know it was happening. Are you ready for this? I screamed F----YOU! at my daughter. [Gasp! Shock! Horror!]

That doesn't mean I shouldn't have written that post. It encouraged at least one person, and it's a reminder to me as well. I am better for having written that down, making it more a part of me. But just in case you have ever let swords and daggers and dragon breath fly out of your mouth instead of rainbows, hearts and unicorn farts (that one was for the 10-year old) I want to be the one to tell you that you're not alone...and, it SUCKS! It sucks that I did that, that I get so uptight and furious and stressed out and let #$%^@* fly out of my mouth!

"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?" --ro. 7.21-24 the message

So what are we to do? It's discouraging.

But wait; I remember one more thing about that day. An apology. A humiliating admittance of defeat on a day that started off with such good intentions. The healing of relationship between mother and daughter. In the end, the answer to the question is that it is me who has to accept the hand of Jesus, me who has to let grace lift me off the ground, then dust myself off and trudge onward, red-cheeked and humbled.

Even when I don't know where I'm going next...

Readers: Have you experienced grace in Parenting? Care to share in the comments?

Technical Difficulties

I am having a hard time on this blog thingy.

I mean, not only do I not feel like it's a priority in my crazy-busy life, and not only do I question why I need to spill my thoughts onto the whole interwebs (hasn't it all been said before? nothing new under the sun, and all that?) but I also....

CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO UPLOAD A SINGLE DANGED PICTURE.

See, I gots me a laptop, and I gots me some wireless in the house. And I thought this was the perfect recipe for ease and convenience and that the blog-posts would consequently come rolling out prolific, from a cozy spot on the couch, or by the light of the bedside lamp under my heavenly egyptian cotton sheets, or from the backyard summer firepit for that matter. Part of this new convenient laptop is the ability to put the camera's SD card right into the computer which then sucks out the photos and places them directly into a Windows Live Photo Gallery, where I can (theoretically) do some limited photo processing. That's where I keep my photos.

What just happened?

OK, wait. Somehow I fooled around with it, tried one more thing and...did it. Gosh dern, this stuff is so confusing. Because when I click "upload" and "choose files" it automatically sends me to a file on my computer that is not what I'm looking for. And then I can't find what I'm looking for.

But look, I did it. I wrote down the address I need to look for and after a glass and a half of wine (a.k.a. therestofthebottle), I'd better stop typing now, before my backspace button wears out.

Adios muchachos.

Feedback

One of the reasons I blog is to practice writing.  I've never been opposed to getting, and would actually encourage you to give me feedback in this regard, but most of you are not my English Professor and aren't reading in order to critique my storyline, grammar and overall cohesiveness.  And that's okay too.  I'm also a born scrapbooker and with all my fancy scissors, stickers and a rainbow of paper collecting dust, let's just admit it: this is the new scrapbook as well.

After the last blog entry, a good friend pointed out that it wasn't extremely clear how the title of the post was proven in the copy.  I re-read it and it was true, but by then I was just going to have to leave it, as I told her, "a cryptic ramble with a misleading title."  I was remembering the all-day process it took to get me to the last sentence.  I was up and down out of my chair, doing that mommy thing (food, water, toys, cleaning, redirecting, food, mediating, damage control, more food).  And that's with Dave home doing the other half!  It was exhausting and I just didn't care anymore by the end.  I could have saved it, slept on it, proof-read it once more, and then published something more polished but I'm just glad I'm hitting that publish button at all (this applies to everything on this blog, really).  Does my desire to cross something off a list and get it out of my noggin override my desire to be a good writer?  Unfortunately, I think it does.  But still...critique away...if you have any idea what you're talking about.

By the way, want to know what kind of shenanigans go down when mommy blogs?  Try this on for size:

They were especially proud/excited about the dramatically-placed knife.  Is there a Gulliver moment in my future?

Just so you know, we're not one of those families that keeps everything dangerous away from our children-- we just don't have the fortitude of those blessed people.  Rather, we like to immerse our children in kitchen danger: such as chopping vegetables, boiling water for noodles, steaming said vegetables, and the most casualty-laiden of all: WASHING THE DISHES.  

Although, the casualties are usually to my wedding dishes.

We won't talk about the hanging of outdoor Christmas lights with Daddy [shudder...]

100th Post

I wanted to do something special for my 100th post, but I'm having a hard time thinking it's really any kind of accomplishment. After all, it's taken me three and a quarter years to get to this point. I lack direction, struggle with purpose, and have no idea who my audience is.

Well, that's not entirely true. I like to talk about myself, purge the thoughts in my noggin, show off my funny kids, make you laugh and hopefully get a little writing practice in there while I'm at it. And this isn't the only place I'm writing. There's the recipe blog that seems to have lost interest in itself; there's my reading blog, wherein I talk about my book group for a project we're attempting, and there's my secret, anonymous blog where I live out the stuff that is too painful and misunderstood to tell just anybody. Then there's my journal -you know, where I write with a pen-- where I mainly just cuss out my husband, scribble crappy poetry and pray.

I recently realized I'm one of those crazy amazing moms with a house-full of boys.

If I don't take this very seriously, it's because there are just so many blessed responsibilities in my days that call for my seriousness (even serious silliness) that there just aren't enough hours in the day. And nowadays, everymom's got a blog, everymom's a writer, everymom's a photographer....I just don't have a lot of motivation at the end of the day to join the ranks and try to stand out. At the same time, I seriously love doing this! It's incredible how I can be (like many mamas) content with my busy mama stuff and at the same time have a deep longing to get smarter, dig deeper, reach higher, nurture the art and beauty inside me that has nothing to do with keeping children alive.

Ahhh... deep thoughts.

Here are a few stats from my blog, just for fun:

• I've posted 21 hand-painted greeting cards (and a few other paintings). I was surprised at this at first and thought, no wonder I ran out of materials! And I thought maybe I should start an Etsy shop like many kind friends have suggested. And then I realized...that's over the course of 3 years. Oh. The day I have time for Etsy is the day I have time for a dog...I'm just sayin'.
• I've done 5 book reviews just this year. This is a fact that impresses me because those things are hard, they hold so many expectations! I finally said screw-it, I don't know how to do a book review, I'm just gonna talk about how this book is meeting me where I'm at.
• I haven't really pegged the labeling system, but according to the labels, I mostly blog about myself and Micah.
• My favorite post is this one. I read it again and tears rolled down my cheeks remembering, remembering...this is what Jesus looks like to me.
• I got the most comments on Purging, Lent, and Donald Miller on Farming. I re-read it just now and I'm re-inspired to Purge! I'm also re-inspired to share more of what happened during that Lent season (we were too busy doing it to blog about it).

Which brings me to all the things hanging over my head that I said I would blog about but have instead walked away whistling, like my Dad used to do when us kids would break a toy in the store. So before I do too much more, I promise (gulp!) to tie up loose ends about the following subjects:

• Lent
• Art 365 Daily
• Our Anniversary
• My Birthday
• Korah's Birthday
• "What the...." Wednesday
• Fugly Friday

...even though the last 2 are ongoing, not really to be "tied up".

Now that's in writing, I have to do it, unless I flake out some more, which is likely. Raise your glasses with me, please...

"HERE'S TO THE NEXT 100! CHEERS!" (clink! clink!)

Photo credit: me (chalk counting by Taylor), Aaron Courter Photography, me again (at a Cirque du Soleil demonstration)

What's On Your Mind?

I promise to post some more personal things, including photos soon, but right now I have to talk about this.

I haven't been blogging.  There's a few reasons for that.

1. Who cares what I have to say?  I know, there are a couple of you (hi mom!) but I'm a mother to five kids.  I'm a little sick of my own voice.
2. I've been distracted with finding the perfect layout and template...and I still don't like it.  Help me out: what do you think?  I can't do white-on-black.  It freaks out my eyes.  So I know that much.  (What?!  I'm in your reader and you never come to the site??  That's okay...I don't count stats anyway.)
3. Blogger's new dashboard combined with my new camera have made it extremely difficult to put photos up onto the blog.  I don't have time for figuring this technical stuff out, man!
4. I'm living too much life to write about it.

But thanks to the Facebook obsession/addiction/Cliffs of Insanity (which is another reason I'm not blogging) I can update you on my life simply by letting you know what's been "on my mind" since the start of the year!  Keep in mind that it's retrospective (goes from present day to January 1st).  This is what's on my mind (some of the time); I warn you: it's weird and long and may induce involuntary closing of eyelids:

• I am cheater-blogging.
• I was a little disappointed at church tonight when Charlie Peacock said "are there any songwriters in the house?" that David didn't raise his hand and say "oh! Right here! Me! I am!" Maybe next time... 
• UGH! Today feels like a good day for a day off. My emotions are tired. 
• I'm just gonna rock out some harsh judgementalism here: Prom dinner at Costco? Lame. 
• Zoo! 
• [I am] going to attempt some gluten-free waffles now. They'll probably be ok since I've never even HAD a House of Waffles waffle to compare it to. 
• Sometimes I really screw up and feel like shit...and perfection is so friggin' fragile.
• So, if you are really sick of Leggo Star Wars for Wii and want to sell it to me, let me know. Or Star Wars Leggos, for that matter. 
• [Wendy...] has more love for her friends than she's able to share, and they don't even know it. 
• Too many potlucks this week. 
• We want a doggie. 
• What's that, Pee-Wee Herman? If I love Fringe so much why don't I marry it? I think I just might! 
• I'm making Mrs. Porter's Asparagus Soup. There are leeks. There is cream. This is promising! 
• no reason at all for feeling so depressed today... maybe i'm just coming down from the intense bike-riding high i was on yesterday. maybe i just need to hook up that burley again and go somewheres... 
• Oh my goodness! Thank you for all the birthday niceties!! I never say HB on FB, it's too hard to keep up! But you guys-- you guys are all so sweet and wonderful! Feelin' the love... 
• The kids woke up at 5am to fold and put away all the clean clothes in the living room, vacuum and make me a perfect cup of coffee. They are seriously AMAZING. 
• Of his own accord, my 18-month old practices dribbling a full-size basketball at least 10 minutes a day. Like, for-reals dribbling! ...YESS! I may finally have a baller in da house! 
• Micah sees a field of dandelions and says, "Morgen, look! WISHES!" 
• Who needs a cat when you've got a baby leaving gross little "presents" at your feet? 
• We just did 12 loads of laundry all at once....yay laundromat! Now for a drying/folding date night with the Mr. 
• Aaaand now our washer is broken. HA! HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAH AAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAA.... 
• I'm just realizing that although I kept a smile goin', today I've dealt with a lot of things I don't approve of, most of which were biohazard-related. Goals were not met and I am exhausted. "It's useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don't you know he enjoys giving rest... to those he loves?" 
• OMGOSH! The neighbor cut down a ginormous ugly tree and LET THERE BE LIGHT! My seasonal depression is over, and my! How dirty my house looks in all this light! I'LL TAKE IT! I LOVE LIGHT! LIGHT LIGHT LIGHT! 
• They *say* it's going to work, but I am in doubt... my day is unproductive and full of lameness, thank you Intuit. M..o..r..e..w..a..i..t..i..n..g.... 
• Now it's Comcast I'm irritated with. I think Comcast is the leader of the gang that is IE8 and TurboTax and he is forcing them to drive me bonkers. 
• Noble pooped on the floor and I cleaned it up WHILE I figured out our computer glitch with multiple support calls AND finished filing the taxes. I shall now get paid lots of money. Thank you. 
• I shall be holed up in my house taking care of business as long as necessary, despite the nice weather. Please come visit if your kids need a different yard to play in and you need to see my smiling face! 
• Aww, forget it. Campfire and ice cream at 9pm. Sorry, tomorrow's teachers, for the zombies I will be sending to school in the morning.
• taxes... 
• My kids are getting in the car without me...I'd better get off FB and take them to school. 
• LOST: endless rope and torches. 
• I seem to be in another stage of "everything I eat needs to have lots of Sriracha on it." 
• "God doesn't ask me to be perfect, he asks me to praise." --Ann Voskamp 
• coffee. 
• I have a headache from the conflicting of joy and sorrow today. 
• unexpectedly picked up PUSH (aka the movie Precious) at the library today...can't put it down! 
• On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted. -eccl.7.14 
• **TMI alert!** I love Kirkland toilet paper, but I don't have a Costco membership anymore. Anyone want to pick us up a pack and I'll pay ya back?? 
• I'm tired of life being SO hard for so many people! But I guess if none of us ever struggled, we'd all be osteoporositic, like on Wall*E, but of character. So let's walk through things together and grow stronger, 'kay? 
• Today I'm babysitting a 5-yo kid who says, "My dad is the all-being master of time space demention. But I'm still smarter than he is." 
• "Jesus carried the burden of the whole world's sins on the cross: He died in my place. And then rose from the dead. And is alive still. It's so simple! The pain of the whole world's betrayal is worse than the pain and betrayal I have suffered, that's what is worse. And because he lives, so can I." --renewingruinedcities
• breakfast: pancakes...or are they? I added milk eggs butter to some bulk mix in the pantry. They taste better than the usual GF pancakes; hmmmm.....that may have been sugar cookie mix. 
• I can do fun & games, but I may *just* be lacking the parenting skills that will grow my kids into responsible, successful adults. According to all the 'tudes, I'm doing *something* wrong... 
• GOOD it's FRIDAY 
• The kids want me to play tricks on them tomorrow. OhhREEEEEALLY?? I don't think they know what they're asking for... 
• OK, seriously, I'm not sure what to do. I can think of mean tricks to play, but they all result in damage control by me... Hmmm... We might just have to have meatloaf "cupcakes" for dinner. 
• Sometimes kids are nasty little creatures. 
• Yuck. Outdoor chores are so much more fun than inside chores. :P 
• new day, new coffee. 
• I like the $1 coffee at Flavor Spot. But now it's time for another. Because a nap is out of the question. But this cup I'll have to make myself. Because I'm out of spare change. 
• I have so many band-aids on my fingers, I'm starting to wonder if Annie's okay....(get it? Smooth Criminal?)
• Gettin' 'er done! DHS: check. Raydee'ater fluids: check. Metal gutter hangin' off roof: workin' on it.... 
• Wanna hear something gross? I just about peeled half my fingernail off with the vegetable peeler. There. Is. Pain. 
• An hour alone equals high-volume "Fear" and singing at the top of my lungs. This has felt good since 1991. 
• Yesterday I saw a guy using a payphone and before I could stop it from coming, I thought, "he's looking for an exit!" 
• oh man, I'm trying to make my blog cooler, but I think I'm just messing it up. I wish I was more white and nerdy. 
• Today I might....dare to hope for things I've been writing off as mere disappointments. 
• Time for a little LOST action... (no, that doesn't mean I have LOST action figures, although I would not scoff at those as a birthday present...) 
• We are dying easter eggs today. That's what. 
• I can't believe people get up at 5am, but here I am with a full, straight 6+ hours of sleep!! Finally letting the baby "cry it out" is saving all our lives!! 
• Wide-open, spring break, sunny day....what to do?? 
• $2 Tuesday, Free Cone Day, 2 Libraries, a park or 2 to burn off the sugar rush...if this day doesn't make spring break awesome, I don't know what will! 
• End result: 24 ice cream cones, 1 library, 1 hour waiting for the locksmith, 3 sandwiches at New Seasons, 2 unexpected and delightful friend sightings, 1 broken gnome and lots of pictures taken. DEFINITELY AWESOME. 
• I'm so awesome: I can BURN frozen mango. 
• Have you seen my keys?? 
• We are applying for jobs, jobs and more jobs. Please pray we get one. Thanks! 
• Hi, I'm Worry Wendy, and this is my siamese twin, Nagative Nancy. We are discontent and frightened.  
• Sunday Secrets: "Facebook makes me feel jealous of your vacations and eating at restaurants." 
• I have $25 to spend at iTunes. What is the best song ever? Or, best new song you can't get enough of? 
• oh well. sleep is for dead people...or something like that. 
• Managed to pull off something relatively St Patrick's Day-ish for dinner. Wow. 
• "I'm going to show them a world without YOU. A world without rules and controls; without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible..." 
• Day off from running around (no school)... playing with my kiddos :) 
• HUGE yard sale next saturday 3/13, and I mean HUGE: appliances, building supplies, furniture, misc pretty things, etc. See you then! 
• YARD SALE!! SATURDAY (3/13) & SUNDAY (3/14) * * 10am - 4pm * * 
• YARD SALE CONTINUES! SUNDAY (3/14) 10am-3pm... Stuff keeps coming out of our house! 
• Taylor shows off his Brooklyn Jewish accent in the school play tonight as Esther's uncle, Mordecai!! (ok, maybe not the accent...but he does a pretty good "old man") 
• my fingers are numb today...weird. Maybe it's the rain and cold. (blech! I'm ready for sun and warmth!!) 
• I'm making my bed and I swear it's still warm after a good 2+ hours after I got out of it.... or maybe it's just calling me back... 
• "External validation is the rock on which I build my church to the fickle God of other people's opinions." -- Mary P Jones (perfect!!) 
• GF pizza (dough) for dinner. Weirdness. 
• telling myself: this is facebook, not the therapist. (delete-delete-delete) 
• I wish I could rollerskate for at least 20 minutes at least 3 times a week. I wish I knew of a good, long bike path around here to rollerskate on. I wish it would not rain until next fall. 
• Dinner was supposed to be 1/2 hour ago. All our ingredients are frozen or necessitate assembling and baking or don't stand alone. No money for pizza...and I feel like I've been preparing food all day! Why can't these kids just stop eating for a minute? Hmmm.. canned corn anyone?? 
• Our Zillow Zestimate keeps decreasing (whatever that really means). In related news, we're making a "family/movie room" in the creepy attic; I remarked: "it feels like we found an old, abandoned warehouse and we're fixing it up reeeeaaal nice-like." The kids can't wait! 
• Donald Miller's question to me is: am I a slave to a jury of my peers? Hmmmmaybe... 
• Today I'm really impressed with everyone else's awesomeness. Hmmm...not so much my own. Hey, but I have some really awesome friends! 
• Family Month. 
• Anniversary weekend... 13 years, baby!! 
• Seattle, I can't wait to see you. 
• [lovingly] "You know what, mama?" [distracted] "What...?" "Chicken Butt!" 
• Do you have your diaries from when you were a teen? I burned mine when I went to Europe, because I thought my dad was reading them. A good reminder to give my kids some privacy, even and especially when they start being loopy teenagers! Wish I still had those journals... 
• "If I were to judge you merely by the stations you listen to on Pandora, I'd have to say...you're a pretty cool chick." --me, to myself. 
• ok, ok, I'll ask: any local peeps wanna hang with my punks tuesday night (yes, tomorrow) from 8-10pm? They'll mostly be in bed. 
• ok, ok, I'll ask: any local peeps wanna hang with my punks tonight from 8-10pm? They'll mostly be in bed. 
• well alright, I'll babysit my own kids and then be an awesome babysitter and do all the dishes, put the clothes in the dryer and pick up toys, all so I can have my one fun night of the month with my book hussies. here I go...{spl-iiiiiiiiiiiii-ttt} 
• Tonight: a new couple's game for me and the man...BACKGAMMON! 
• has reached the end of the internet. So sad. :( 
• chicken, four ways. 
• purging.... 
• I'm doing awesome on laundry today. If I don't put it on FB, my fame, my legacy will die with me. 
• Y soy un perdedor hoy tambien. Que pase???? I am just not myself this week; spinnnny head, confusion.... 
• People seemed to be content / Fifty dollars paid the rent / Freaks were in a circus tent / Those were the days! 
• Soy un perdedor, hoy. 
• If someone asks you for a sandwich, you're going to have to get some peanut butter. If you're out of peanut butter, you're going to have to grind up some almonds. When you go to the pantry for the almonds, you're going to notice the chocolate chips. And if you get almonds and chocolate chips, you're going to have to make Nutella! And if you're going to make Nutella...someone else is going to ask you for a sandwich. 
• I am excited for Karen's new adventures. Love you, friend!! 
• it's the: Year of the Tiger, it's the Thrill of the Fight. We're rising up to the challenge of our rivals!!! 
• We're talkin' Valentines, huh? Well, I got the BEST spring-cleaning purge from my good friend Joy. My kitchen looks like I just moved in! I'm SO going to keep getting rid of stuff! This is GREAT! 
• SO tired... stuff to do... 
• gung hay fat chow (right?) 
• just became a fan of getting off of Facebook. 
• Wait a minute. Did daylight savings just happen while Micah was at preschool? I feel like I missed an hour somewhere in there... 
• smile on little Buddha, tee hee ha ha 
• Anyone up for a movie tonight, late-ish? 
• wishes she was going to Kooza for her birthday in April. It's on the Bucket List at least. 
• Two Dollar Tuesday: Have I ever mentioned how much I love you? You annihilate me! 
• HELP ME. How do you put a "button" on your blog? 
• Whew! I had two cups of coffee and one large cup-o-Monahan today...I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight!! 
• ugh...all my kids are home sick. except Micah. I just don't want to get all the sickies in the car (twice) for one kid's 3 hour preschool. there goes my adult-time plans. 
• The Curly Willow branch I brought into the house is sprouting leaves!! 
• Arg! My phone is dead and I have no idea where it is... I'm sorry if you have called in the last couple of days and I haven't called you back. :( 
• We are looking for a free or very very cheap place to get away for our anniversary weekend, 2/27-28. Anyone need a housesitter? 
• needs to have a "girlfriend" day or night or weekend. I am tired of my antisocial responsibilities. On the brighter side, I have a new, ginormous 'fridgerator thanks to one very special girlfriend!! 
• We are not going to a SuperBowl Party. But we might go to Pittock Mansion. 
• Whichever dude it was who told me that Mr. Rogers takes his shoes off and doesn't put the other ones on, is WRONG-O. Mr. Rogers is flawless, I love him. 
• I guess we're having pancakes tonight...? That might be the only thing we actually have ingredients for. Tomorrow is finally grocery money day! Yaaaay! 
• Noble's bed is full of poo, so I put him on Micah's bottom bunk. He can totally get down, but I don't think he knows it. It's like an invisible fence...awesome! 
• Well, because it was raining, we opted to stay home for family game night in lieu of first Thursday. But why didn't I think of this before: Next time, ladies night! Whadda y'all say? 
• New friend, new haircut, another GF dinner comin' outta the woodworks, first Thursday too? God is good! 
• Allllright. Who has some old, unused camera film they want to give me, because, you know, you're all digital now and everything. Huh? (In other words, I don't have a camera, except for the one with no film.) I'll take an awesome picture of you for trade! :D 
• It's LOST NIGHT everybody!!!!! What? I'm a day late? Shut-up. 
• what a fabulous day! 
• Don't even TALK to me about LOST. I have to wait until it comes online!! (Unless, of course, you call and invite me over!) (wink!) :D 
• Neighbor is cutting down their curly willow... HUGE pile of beautiful branches in the street--free for the taking before they haul it away to the chipper! 
• I had to leave from 1130-3pm and the willow branches are all gone :( I can't wait to make a cool chandellier from the ones I drug around the block! 
• turning off the computer for the rest of the day! I can't believe how much NOTHING I got done today! In the words of Calvin & Hobbes, "There's never enough time to do all the nothing I want." 
• Forgot how much I love my Pelikan drawing ink. Ich liebe Guther Wagner! 
• I just heard, "What are you doing?! Put. the. gun. away. and GET IN BED!" Holy moly...sounds like someone (I'm not sure who yet) needs some mama-time. 
• unfortunately, Saturday is NOT my day off. 
• Nobody tells me I look like celebrities...just *someone you know* 
• I need a haircut. 
• Bad dreams SUUUUUUUCK! "I remember my affliction and my wandering...I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. The are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.... I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." (lam.3.19) 
• I am really thankful for the alterna-dads in my life, like Ross and Luke :D 
• Two words: **BINEWSKI'S FABULON!!** 
• I love all the extra laughter that happens from having a little McMullen in the house. 
• Would all my friends and neighbors just HOLD STILL for a minute. I'm not ready for y'all to move. My head is spinning. What day is it? Where am I? Where are my children? 
• I'm fighting the urge to get in the car and drive to Mexico. And that's sort of an euphemism for how I really feel. 
• HOORAY FOR GENEVIEVE!!!!!!! 
• 66 & 67 seems like a lose-lose either way, to me. If only the government and school system could budget their money and spend wiser.... right? 
• Hey, does anyone have a Costco TurboTax COUPON they can part with? We need one, thanks! 
• the new trick to putting down the baby: setting him in bed (not "lying him down") with a book, and a light on (instead of the usual, scary pitch black). So he likes to read himself to sleep like his mama! 
• thanks a lot, Cousin Laura! I'm obsessed with this bear who is going to give birth ANY MINUTE NOW!!! http://www.bear.org/website/visit-us/lily-den-cam.html 
• who forgot their homework? everybody! 
• I don't feel so hot. I need a sub. 
• Interesting: all the guys at the tire store I visited today are managing to support anywhere from 4-7 kids. Hmmm...maybe that's where Dave should work. Or...not... 
• Dave and I are both tired of him only having one full day off per week. Tired, I tell you. *Tired* 
• because real life isn't heavy enough, we are watching Slumdog Millionaire while folding our massive pile of laundry. At least we each have a pint of Ben & Jerry's. 
• what a heavy week. we're gonna need this 3-day weekend to pray and stabilize.... HUDDLE! 
• We are using the two adults in the house to our advantage. Then at 4pm I'm on my own with the kids again, so if anyone wants to come over to dine and play with us, please do! 
• In response to the earthquake, Living Water International will work to repair 500 wells in Haiti during 2010, serving at least 250,000: http://ow.ly/WDbD 
• geek love. 
• Alright all you zumba freaks. I'm trying my first class tomorrow. I'm trying not to think about it. 
• Weighing it out.....who's dirtier, me or the dishes? Hmmmmm..... 
• I can't find my little packet of paintbrushes and Micron pens. By this I am devastated. 
• We spent the afternoon at the mall! Now the kids are spazzy/grumpy and Dave and Wendy are crouching in the fetal position sucking their thumbs. Not a big fan of the mall... 
• welcome to Sunday...I'm having an Epiphany! 
• I'll just have to admit it: this day is turning out kinda stupid. Unless all I consider is the Geek Love. 
• Spinning Morgen almost ran into another shopper at a very busy New Seasons today. Said shopper screeched to a halt, exclaimed "WATCH IT! I'LL SELL IT!!" and then kept walking, as I pulled my daughter closer... 
• I'm meal planning. Noble's discovering that putting things down the heater is fun stuff. And Nobody is more educated about breast cancer today because of a bra color status update. 
• just doin' what needs doin'. 
• All personal complaints are on the shelf. Happy New Year!

Disclaimers (a Totally Boring Post)

I find myself putting disclaimers in front of most of my blog posts, and then deleting them later when my husband reminds me, "Don't make excuses. Just say what you're gonna say."  For instance,  I deleted this from the last post:

I feel a little funny putting "Book Review" in the title, because it sounds like I'm some avid reader who is manifesting these expert opinions. I haven't really read many book reviews so I'm not sure what they are supposed to sound like. I can tell you how it made me feel, so I'm going to go with that angle.

The reality is that I struggled for an entire day with that last post.  I hated that book!  I'm not entirely sure what it was that bugged me so much about it, but I was super harsh at first, and not putting forward the self that I am striving to be.  Not just on the blog, but in real life.  I want my words to be full of grace, seasoned with salt.  Writing them down just gives me more time to edit my thoughts.  I wanna keep it real, not be one of those perfect-mom bloggers that make everyone else feel inferior; but I also don't want to throw around my scary-PMSing-panicky-no-hope-no-fear-angry voice either.  I'll just tell you: I am way better at being mean than I am at loving.  I wish it weren't true, but it is.  Most of all to myself.  Nobody reads this and I'm cool with that.  I'm a loser.  Goodnight.

(Okay, not really.)

This causes me to ask myself again why I blog at all. Sometimes I just want to be busy with life.  Honoring my family with the [mundane] chores, playing games with my kids, reading books, and sure-- driving them around a-l-l-o-v-e-r-c-r-e-a-t-i-o-n.  I don't want my kids to remember me as staring at a computer screen all the time.  But eventually I start to know that I need to be writing or painting or...something creative, or I am going to have one of my "episodes" where I run around the yard proclaiming "'IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY', YA KNOW!!"

I'd love to be like The Pioneer Woman and make a six-figure income from blogging.  But I don't want to be known like that.  I don't want to be famous and to be treated like a celebrity.  And I don't want to write mere entertaining drivel either.  I want to show anyone who needs to know, that I am a nutty screw-up who is in love with the grace that God gives out freely and abundantly.  I know a lot about grace and mercy and being a dork and receiving things I don't deserve and weathering pain and growing up.  I want to share my story.  My stories.  I want to practice writing.  I mostly want to practice writing.  I'm all serious about blogging, maybe because...you know...it's open to the whole world!  And Facebook status updates are visible to...you know...Just Friends.  But guess what?  I'm putting myself out there and people are reading those things.  And commenting.  And missing them when they stop!  What the hay?  I just think that's so trippy; why would anyone care what I have to say?  Aren't I just invisible?  See--?  I don't think I could handle getting famous.  I would keel over from weirding out.


So I thought of something.... I'll do it on the next post....